Pursuing A Goal

Reading the past few posts, there is a definite theme swimming through them.

I’m still short-sighted when it comes to Development. Although I’m incrementally getting better at this, it’s frustrating when I spend three weeks on something I know others could have finished in 48 hours. This is the kind of thought pattern that can lead down the depressive spiral. I question what I’m doing in the business, and where I’m heading. What purpose do I have with this world of Development?

Rach said something tonight that helped me greatly. She said that I continue to work on certain solo projects, because of integrity. And it’s true. But there’s also a little bit of the stupid as well. I’ve worked for over 18 months now on a Project. Apart from buying the software, and one payment for a week’s visit, I haven’t received any other money for the work done on this project. And I only have one client.

All in all, it’s adds up to some pretty serious lack of foresight … but also lack of clarity as to the future. I need a clearer purpose for what I’m doing.

It’s with this that I sit down again late this night, pushing myself to get through the murk that surrounds my clouded mind. Trying to see a light. Looking for little glimpses that I’m actually getting somewhere.

This is mostly exhaustion speaking, and a little of a virus i suspect, chest infection stuff … but it’s still what I’m thinking right now.

So anyway, let us never forget the realities of the business. There are going to be times of self-doubt. I can’t compare my own software, or my experiences, with those of others who write software for hundreds/thousands/millions of users (I’ve said something like this in another post … bad memory). However, I still experience something of the measure of doubt and hardship.

The reality is sometimes you cut the cord … sometimes you slog … and most of the time you need community. Bonds with workmates who are going through the same stuff … bonds with family and friends who have nothing at all to do with development … I need guidance when I can’t see the way ahead. Or at least someone to hand me a lantern.

Anyway, gotta get working again … enough of the zany thought processes and brain freezing statements.